February, 2008

February, 2008 has probably been the hardest month of my life. And since this is Leap Year, we get an extra February day....not sure I want it.

On February 12th, as you know, we lost John Kilgore. Two weeks to the day after that we lost Tony's dad, Gene Lenox, and another friend, Dr. Kent Medcalf. I'm attending Kent's funeral today. A month of tremendous loss and grieving. The grieving, I'm sure will continue for a while; I'm hoping we've experienced the last of loss for a long while.

I use the word "lost" knowing that they are not lost; they are more "found," more "at home" than they've ever been! I use that word referring to the fact that we've lost their physical presence with us; however, we will never lose the impact that they had on our lives.

Honestly though, I could use the word "lost" to describe how I've been feeling the last 2 weeks. In a sense I've lost my direction, I've lost my focus. I haven't lost my overall purpose per se, but I have lost the sense that I know what I'm doing and why I'm doing it. Things that once dominated my thinking don't seem so important anymore, and activities that once seemed trivial have now been the very things that have kept me going; maybe just because they're mindless and keep me from having to think. Things seem mixed-up and upside down.

I have not, however, lost my confidence that God is good, that He loves us and has promised never to leave us or forsake us. I have felt that all along, even though I did tell Him at the hospital when I got the news about John's death that He had made a mistake. I just knew he meant to take someone else! Yet even in the midst of saying it, in my heart of hearts I knew I didn't mean it. Death is a part of life, and even though it hurts like crazy, I know that I'd better learn how to grieve properly (by that I mean in a healthy way) because death will come again, maybe when I expect it but also when I least expect it.

A friend gave me a little book by Barbara Francis called "Unexpected Turns: Leaning into the Losses of Life." It's the story of how the author experienced the sudden and tragic loss of her best friend in a plane crash. She has a wonderful way of sharing her own grieving process, and it has helped. At the end of the book she quotes this poem from Charles Wesley:

If death my friend and me divide,
Thou dost not, Lord, my sorrow chide.
Or frown my tears to see;
Restrained from passionate excess,
Thou bidst me mourn in calm distress
For them that rest in Thee.

I feel a strong immortal hope,
Which bears my mournful spirit up
Beneath its mountain load;
Redeemed from death, and grief, and pain,
I soon shall find my friend again
Within the arms of God.

Past a few fleeting moments more
And death the blessing shall restore
Which death has snatched away;
For me thou wilt the summons send,
And give me back my parted friend
In that eternal day.

It brings comfort to know that "past a few fleeting moments more and death the blessing shall restore which death has snatched away." We will see our friends and family again! In the meantime I hope I can continue through the grieving process and not get stuck; I hope that I find my equilibrium again; I hope that I continue asking questions about what I'm supposed to be doing and why; I hope that I treasure each moment of this life and each relationship that I have; I hope....

Melody